ME: I like your scarf. 
SHERLOCK: You would.
ME: Pardon?
SHERLOCK: It’s a five year old Argentinian scarf as is your purse. 
ME: Oh yeah, cool. I was thinking—
SHERLOCK: It’s also as ratty as your purse which gives you the mistaken impression we’re in the same socioeconomic class.  
ME: Umm, ok, uh. Fancy a drink?
SHERLOCK: Yes. But not with you.*
ME: Wanker. Die.

Hey Luther. I know that you’ve gone through some, uh, stuff with your wife and your job. I’m not going to pry. Just saying I heard and I’m here if you need a friend. You know. A friend. A friend with benefits. Sexy benefits. Sexy benefits like having sex. Like having sex with me. Can you stop crying and punching things for like 5 seconds?  

What?! A girl can’t watch a little Mr. Show? Listen Tony, the marriage counselor said it was healthy. I don’t see what you’re complaining about anyways. You’re the one who said I always married you for your mind. Well guess what, I have a thing for balding curmudgeonly guys! Yeah I finally admitted it. Are you happy? Don’t pull that “have to go investigate a serial killer” shit with me. Why is it every time I try to discuss our relationship exsanguinated corpses stuffed into suitcases seem to pop up all around London? At least take the bin to the curb on your way out! 

0:50: Holy fuck that keyboardist is sexy. 
Yes, the video looks like what an ad exec hopped up on cocaine might make for American Apparel. But don’t forget what’s important: the music how hot the guys in the band are. The keyboardist has that gangly limbed, slack jawed, come hither look that brings all the girls to the yard. I mean, if he doesn’t want me to jump him why is he dancing like that? He’s pretty much begging for it, amirite? If he wanted me not to pounce on him he wouldn’t be wearing those red sneakers. That’s what I told the judge, anyhow. 

Who is that guy singing and why does he seem to think he’s the frontman for a band that clearly doesn’t need a frontman? Die. Oh, he left the band?* Good. Oh, it was amiciable? Eh good enough. 

Well, with him gone we can get more of this awesomeness: 

I mean the keyboardist may be sexy but the bass guitarist is hot.  But also cool and adorable. And he chews gum! Either he’s just that calm and collected, or he’s getting over smoking. Or he has a clicking jaw (I do too! It’s fate!). No matter: hot! And he’s from Boston* so we can totally get married and I can tour with him then we can settle down in Massachusetts near our families. Or maybe in New York? Don’t want to be too close. I’m sure we can work it out, sweetie. (That’s my pet name for you. It’s cute and not at all creepy that I’ve given you a pet name, right?) Also I’m going to choose to see the fact that you constantly wear a ring on your left ring finger as a sign that my future self went back in time to propose to you and we’re already married. Is The Time Traveler’s Wife about us?  Does future-me also have to go back in time to get Audrey Niffenegger to write a book about us? Or am I Audrey Niffenegger? Why does being married to you have to be so complicated, sweetie?! Doctor Who makes cross-temporal marriage look much easier. 

(Also the drummer is pretty hot too. But he’s too intimidatingly good at drums to objectify. And objectification is the beating heart of this blog.) 

*The minimum amount of Googling was done for information on the band. But only the bare minimum. Too much thought/effort kills this blog. 

Marry the thousand year old Viking with a heart of gold.  You may try to resist at first but he’ll get to you. From sly touches (making you suck a bullet of of his chest) to thoughtful gifts (buying your home [so that he can own you]). Also he saves your life a bunch of times but like whatever. Marry him on two equally important conditions: you live in sperate homes and he cuts his long hair. 

Fuck the addle-brained tousle-haired reborn vampire noob. Unencumbered by your complicated past (will he/won’t he eat me?) you can cuddle up with his docile Nordic corpse late into the night. And without a thousand years of fuck buddies for comparison you’ll be the best lay he’s ever had! 

Wait you mean Eric Northman isn’t real and vampires don’t exist? Why are you trying to ruin this for me, real person Alexander Skarsgard? Die. 

Google+
Lost, Lonely, and Looking For Love

I’m just going to apologize up front. I’ve had my heart broken twice before and it’s left me a bit shattered and vulnerable. I’m just not sure what’s wrong. Is it me? Am I too naive? I tried to be the best that i could be: smart, intuitive, dynamic. But I couldn’t get anyone to go steady with me. I know I may seem complicated, but I just want to be your everything. Is that so wrong? I vowed not to make that mistake again. I went broad rather than deep. I talked my really well connected friend into hosting this huge gathering. I thought there’s no way I could fail if I could just get in front of people, show them I could really connect. But everyone hated me! Turns out they didn’t want to be in a huge party with everyone they’d ever spoken to and they all turned against me. How was I supposed to know? I’m just trying to get to people, show them what I’ve got.

So here I am. Third time’s the charm, as they say. I’m not going to be foward, following you around like a puppy. But I won’t be so cool and aloof either. I’m here. Though you understand I won’t go all the way on the first date. I can’t. I want to get to know you first, but more importantly I want you to get to know me. Make sure we’re a good fit. Let me know what I need to clean up about myself before I meet your friends and family. I know I’m rough around the edges so, for now, I’m looking for someone understanding, curious, and patient.

If you think you’re the one for me, come by and visit! Although, sometimes my anthropophobia gets the better of me and I have to hide under my dining room table for awhile, slowly singing Love Me Do to myself while rocking back and forth clutching my knees to my chest. But I’ll be out soon! Probably!

Facebook
Out All Night with You-Know-Whos. Livin the Dream! How I Do.

Wanna hookup, lol? Been awhile. Saw you went to that party and you were looking prettttty hottttt. Yeah, the one where you went out with some besties. Didn’t see you with no one like me tho so I figured I’d hit you up lol. Yeesh, you’re paranoid. It’s all right in my newsfeed, I’m not some creepy stalker. Hey now. I wasn’t gonna say nothing but I thought you talking about your orgasms was gross. You knows who see this shit? And the way your mom chimed in about her—

Hello? Where am I? I just got an electronic mail saying someone, whom I don’t know mind you, was mentioning me. What’s going on here? This morning’s sex talk you dragged me into was bad enough, but what is this, some sort of fight.. What’s going on? Why am I here?

Twitter
Come Follow Me, Lets Tweet, Lets Tweet Away

Hello World!
Let’s hang out, send some short timely messages.
Friday? I’ll follow u.
Ear to the door while u write in ur diary, chat to ur friends.
Ur followin me? I C U C ME. 0_0
Yeah I’m good, how about u.
U like cats 2? Check out des kitteh pix on dis other site.
Yeah pretty cute. Like you. #jk #nobutseriously
What do I look like? Click on my tiny face to make it slightly larger.
Yeah, took it myself. Filters + Angles FTW. #amirite
Talkin 2 u… feels like just u n me.
d jagoff nothing, just trying to get this dumb blonde in the sack.
What? Naw, should be RT. #thatguywtf
@You so funny! @You laughin hard. I like @You
d theother naw, baby. you’re the one that i want. #luvu4eva
Oops! Hacked!
$49.99 FOR LONGER LASTING ERECTIONS, GO HERE.

(Fuck Twitter, Marry Google+, Kill Facebook)

I should probably do this FMK next week but… whatever.

While I’d love to do an FMK about the actual founding fathers I sadly never learned anything from history. I may be many flavors of nerd but history nerd is not one of them. Musicals, however, are. 1776 especially. Critics may have panned it but I love it to an absurd degree. Any interest I have for history or specifically the founding fathers can be directly attributed to repeated viewings of this in my childhood. ANYWAY. Too many personal facts not enough irreverent fantasy.

Thomas Jefferson is so fucking hot. He can play the violin for me any day. Some might not know but, like his contemporaries in the continental congress, Jefferson was a prolific inventor. Taking apart his Windsor chair and reassembling it with casters from rope-hung windows he invented the first swivel chair. But this was really just a prototype. Using the extra rope from the windows he fashioned the swivel chair into the world’s first sex swing. Other of his inventions include a revolving book stand (for fast switching between various pornographic publications), a clock powered by the earth’s pull on a pair of large cannonballs (modeled after Jefferson’s testicles), and a cipher wheel for encrypted messaging (discrete sexting).

Jefferson: But I burn Mr. A.
Adams: So do I, Mr. J!

Whereas Jefferson smolders, Adams incinerates. I wouldn’t say I love “bad boys” but guys who get really passionate about what they believe and pursue it aggressively: yes. With history vindicating him, Adams is one of the ultimate protagonists in the American story forging the new union on the back of his relentless antagonism. And singing. (1776 is a documentary, right?) He and Abigail have an almost storybook love considering all they went through. I want him to write me epicly wonderful letters where I can almost see his transparent hovering face serenading me. I probably wouldn’t appreciate that he’s almost never home and can’t even send me any fucking pins when I ask for them. But I’d stick it out. That’s what us stalwart Boston wives do.

Rutledge is an asshole. He held the declaration hostage because of his desire to retain slaves. Following the lead of current anti-gay conservatives who turn out to be super-gay, Rutledge must have wanted to keep slavery around because he was descended from slaves himself. Maybe he just looks white but knows one of his grandparents was black and it haunts him so he has to be super outspoken about keeping slaves down otherwise people might get suspicious of his being ‘soft on slavery.’ Either that or he was in love with a slave and knew she (he?) wouldn’t want him if s/he became free. “Handle them, fondle them” indeed Mr. Rutledge. Die.

Oort cloud. Why was Oort cloud the first thing that popped into my head when I got the suggestion of doing an astronomical FMK? I don’t know but it was! So here’s a educational/delusional FMK-ish interlude why not.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The Oort Cloud is a hypothesized spherical cloud of comets which may lie roughly a light-year from the Sun.
• Like that hot guy your friend said she totally saw this one time at the bar when she was super drunk.
The outer extent of the Oort Cloud defines the gravitational boundary of our Solar System.
◦ He’s sooooooo hot, you don’t even understand. He’s like totally the hottest guy I’ve ever seen in real life.
The outer Oort cloud is easily affected by the gravitational pull of passing stars and the Milky Way Galaxy itself and is only loosely bound to the Solar System.
◦ He kept talking about all these parties and every time some chick came into the bar he’d talk to her. But he totally hugged me, so that means he’s like super into me, right?

In 1932, Estonian astronomer Ernst Öpik postulated that long-period comets hot guys who are both sweet and into you originated in an orbiting cloud dive bars at the outermost edge of the Solar System city. In 1950, the idea was independently revived by Dutch astronomer Jan Hendrik Oort as a means to resolve a paradox bad breakup: over the course of the Solar System’s existence your life, the orbits of comets guys are unstable; eventually, dynamics dictate that a comet boy must either collide with the Sun or a planet fuck you, or else be ejected by planetary female perturbations. There are two main classes of comet boy: short-period comets boys (also called ecliptic comets marriageable) and long-period comets boys (also called nearly isotropic comets fuckable). Nearly all isotropic comets fuckable guys have very large orbits, on the order of thousands of AU hours before the call you back, and appear from every corner of the sky city. Oort noted that there was a peak in numbers of nearly isotropic comets super fuckable guys with aphelia hotness quotient of roughly 20,000 AU ZOMG, which suggested a reservoir at that distance with a spherical, isotropic distribution one night stands but no girlfriends. Those relatively rare comets guys with orbits hotness quotients of about 10,000 AU boy next door hot have probably gone through one or more orbits girls you know and have had their orbits emotions drawn inward by the gravity of the planets their hotness.

The Oort cloud Uber hot guys are thought to be a remnant of the original protoplanetary disc hot guy that formed around the Sun crushed on you hard approximately 4.6 billion years ago. The most widely accepted hypothesis is that the Oort cloud’s objects uber hot guys initially coalesced much closer to the Sun you as part of the same process that formed the planets and asteroids your totally legitimate not at all weird body issues, but that gravitational interaction with young gas giant planets such as Jupiter your crushing lack of self esteem ejected the objects guys into extremely long elliptic or parabolic orbits. Simulations of the evolution of the Oort cloud any potential relationship from the beginnings of the Solar System your meeting to the present suggest that the cloud’s mass your chances peaked around 800 million years after formation, as the pace of accretion and collision flirting slowed and depletion sobriety began to overtake supply inhibitions.

Computer models suggest that collisions of cometary debris bodies during the formation flirting period play a far greater role than was previously thought. According to these models, the number of collisions early in the Solar System’s history your youth was so great that most comets potential relationships were destroyed before they reached the Oort cloud uber hot levels. Therefore, the current cumulative mass of the Oort cloud available hot guys is far less than was once suspected. Gravitational interaction with nearby stars sluts and galactic tides whores modified cometary orbits expectations to make them more circular hot than you. This explains the nearly spherical shape of the outer Oort cloud their tits. Recent studies have shown that the formation of the Oort cloud super hot guys is broadly compatible with the hypothesis that the Solar System skanky girls formed as part of an embedded cluster of 200–400 stars bitches. These early stars hos likely played a role in the cloud’s uber hot guys’ self esteem formation, since the number of close stellar passages DTF girls within the cluster was much higher than today, leading to far more frequent perturbations.

How much am I allowed to hate JJ Abrams? Being mainly a producer it’s nebulous how much influence his lobotomizing midas touch has, but I would like to hate him the maximum allowable amount. Judging him by Lost & Fringe he should never do TV again.  Flashing us with glimpses of his lobes, promising powerful long-lasting mysteries, but he always seems to fade once I’ve going a real brainer on leaving me with just misdirection and retconning. Are you commitment phobic? Do you not plan shit out? That’s fine for something like Cloverfield, which I did enjoy. You get one buy-in from me: Big monster tromps around NYC. Sure, ok, fun. (And apparently Super 8 is pretty great.) But with TV I’m not going to repeatedly buy-in to your mysteries if you never pay out. What am I getting out of watching your shows besides a painful case of mental blue balls? Die.

The unresolved mysteries JJ Abrams is terrible at, Dan Harmon and David X. Cohen are brilliant at. They answer questions you’ve barely managed to ask and grounding those answers in characters you grow to love.

As someone who’s very self-critical and always looking for ways to challenge herself, I love and admire Dan Harmon. Most writers nail down their formula and then churn it out and the pressure they get saddled with is that of expectations. But the constant striving in Community is Harmon putting this pressure on himself. Community is constantly pushing, redefining the bounds of the show further and further outwards. Each episode of the second season takes so many chances comically it’s like watching a high wire act which thrills me to watch. Dan Harmon appeals to my inner self-flagellating writer who loves process and product and relishes expounding on both. So communicative and open, I’d love to marry him but I fear we’re too similar. I also get neurotic about what I do and either we’d be able to temper each other, or we’d just explode and burn each other out. Hopefully not the latter.

David X. Cohen is awesome. A light-hearted level headed Harvard educated geek whose the co-creator of my favorite TV show. And he’s adorable. I would definitely fuck him. Though I’m not sure if I could actually consummate it. This would probably be my reaction if I ever me him in real life. But I would certainly try!