Posts tagged Characters

ME: I like your scarf. 
SHERLOCK: You would.
ME: Pardon?
SHERLOCK: It’s a five year old Argentinian scarf as is your purse. 
ME: Oh yeah, cool. I was thinking—
SHERLOCK: It’s also as ratty as your purse which gives you the mistaken impression we’re in the same socioeconomic class.  
ME: Umm, ok, uh. Fancy a drink?
SHERLOCK: Yes. But not with you.*
ME: Wanker. Die.

Hey Luther. I know that you’ve gone through some, uh, stuff with your wife and your job. I’m not going to pry. Just saying I heard and I’m here if you need a friend. You know. A friend. A friend with benefits. Sexy benefits. Sexy benefits like having sex. Like having sex with me. Can you stop crying and punching things for like 5 seconds?  

What?! A girl can’t watch a little Mr. Show? Listen Tony, the marriage counselor said it was healthy. I don’t see what you’re complaining about anyways. You’re the one who said I always married you for your mind. Well guess what, I have a thing for balding curmudgeonly guys! Yeah I finally admitted it. Are you happy? Don’t pull that “have to go investigate a serial killer” shit with me. Why is it every time I try to discuss our relationship exsanguinated corpses stuffed into suitcases seem to pop up all around London? At least take the bin to the curb on your way out! 

I should probably do this FMK next week but… whatever.

While I’d love to do an FMK about the actual founding fathers I sadly never learned anything from history. I may be many flavors of nerd but history nerd is not one of them. Musicals, however, are. 1776 especially. Critics may have panned it but I love it to an absurd degree. Any interest I have for history or specifically the founding fathers can be directly attributed to repeated viewings of this in my childhood. ANYWAY. Too many personal facts not enough irreverent fantasy.

Thomas Jefferson is so fucking hot. He can play the violin for me any day. Some might not know but, like his contemporaries in the continental congress, Jefferson was a prolific inventor. Taking apart his Windsor chair and reassembling it with casters from rope-hung windows he invented the first swivel chair. But this was really just a prototype. Using the extra rope from the windows he fashioned the swivel chair into the world’s first sex swing. Other of his inventions include a revolving book stand (for fast switching between various pornographic publications), a clock powered by the earth’s pull on a pair of large cannonballs (modeled after Jefferson’s testicles), and a cipher wheel for encrypted messaging (discrete sexting).

Jefferson: But I burn Mr. A.
Adams: So do I, Mr. J!

Whereas Jefferson smolders, Adams incinerates. I wouldn’t say I love “bad boys” but guys who get really passionate about what they believe and pursue it aggressively: yes. With history vindicating him, Adams is one of the ultimate protagonists in the American story forging the new union on the back of his relentless antagonism. And singing. (1776 is a documentary, right?) He and Abigail have an almost storybook love considering all they went through. I want him to write me epicly wonderful letters where I can almost see his transparent hovering face serenading me. I probably wouldn’t appreciate that he’s almost never home and can’t even send me any fucking pins when I ask for them. But I’d stick it out. That’s what us stalwart Boston wives do.

Rutledge is an asshole. He held the declaration hostage because of his desire to retain slaves. Following the lead of current anti-gay conservatives who turn out to be super-gay, Rutledge must have wanted to keep slavery around because he was descended from slaves himself. Maybe he just looks white but knows one of his grandparents was black and it haunts him so he has to be super outspoken about keeping slaves down otherwise people might get suspicious of his being ‘soft on slavery.’ Either that or he was in love with a slave and knew she (he?) wouldn’t want him if s/he became free. “Handle them, fondle them” indeed Mr. Rutledge. Die.

Okay so it’s not that questionable.  They’re all pretty much evil.  If I were to D&D alignment chart* this shiz: Bender would be Neutral Evil, the Robot Devil would be Lawful Evil, and Roberto would be Chaotic Evil. 

“The fairness in Hell Act of 2275 requires me to inform you…”
Robot Devil, you are my favoriate Futurama character.  Yeah I said it. Fry is great and Leela is fab but if the show were on fire and I could only save one character it would be you. Maybe it’s because of your tendency to sing in episodes. Maybe it’s because you try so hard to be evil but are stymied at every turn. Either way, consider me endeared.  And married. 

“The first time was just to case the joint and rob it a litte.”
Whose the crazy robot that don’t know when to stop? Roberto! Who is the robot that always wants what he don’t got? Roberto! Can you dig it? Whose the bot that’ll get you loked up in a prison for criminally insane robots even though you’re a human who was innocently trying to go to the bank? Roberto! They say this cat Roberto is a bad mother-Shut your mouth! I’m talkin’ bout Roberto. Then we can dig it. He’s a complicated robot and no one understands him but his switchblade. Die Roberto. 

“What kind of party is this? There’s no booze and only one hooker.”
ME AS HOOKERBOT: Bender honey, I wanna be with you!
BENDER:  Shut up baby, I know it. 

* Let’s finish off the alignment chart: Leela is Lawful Good, Fry is Chaotic Good, Amy is Neutral Good, Hermes is Lawful Neutral, Zoidberg is Chaotic Neutral, and Nibbler is True Neutral. Do you want it as a pick-shure? Here it is as a pik-shure. 

Read more …

Scruffy?  Who?  The only person who’d want to fuck you is a washbucket.  

Sarah recently stopped off at the brain slug planet and liked it so much she decided to marry one of her own free will.   

Someone needs to kill the Hypnotoad and free soceity of it’s subjugat—ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD. 

Do you hate the things I hate? That’ll make or break a friendship moreso than liking the same things. Getting really angry at people who use their lawn mowers early on the weekend or twists in movies that are too obvious or which Futurama character irritates you the most. These are the bases of lasting relationships.

I hated Emeril Lagasse when hating him was still underground. Yeah I watched a lot of Food Network in high school, why do you ask? So when it comes to Futurama, all my Emeril-hate gets channeled into Elzar-love. Killing Emeril = Fucking Elzar. Hey, there’s a lot you could do to keep a woman happy in bed when you’ve got 4 well coordinated hands.

Between his subservient sniveling and perpetually tepid relationship with Amy, sometimes I find Kif so annoying I want to throttle him till he becomes transparent. He’s absolutely the most irritating of the three but for fuck/marry/kill purposes he’s the most marriageable. He’d be easily hen pecked into working long hours when we needed money or taking paternity leave to look after the kids when I wanted to get out of the house. It might not be the most fun marriage but at least I could wring it for everything it’s worth.

Zoidberg has had an interesting trajectory throughout the series. He started out as a straight man and even a somewhat respected member of the crew but by the end of the first season everyone treats him like he’s a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage (and he does). As someone watching the series he’s the loveable black sheep of the group, as a F/M/K prospect he’s an easy kill.

All of them being voiced by Billy West makes me wonder. If we accept the many worlds theory, could Fry and Zapp ever have evolved to be each other?  While Zapp’s bravado may have a place in the 30th centry world of Futurama (or even the 23rd century world of Star Trek) I can’t see him being a successful NASA commander. Would he have taken a wage slave job like Fry? (like fry, like fry!) Or would he have gotten beaten down and tried to mutiny (“Panucci I’m throwing you in the pantry-brig”) which inevitably would have lead him to living on welfare and getting fat on hobo cuisine. I’m pretty sure if I was his welfare agent I’d find myself taking pity on him only to wake up the next day in his bed, screaming. 

Fry never really fit in well in the 20th century. Would he have Zapp’s self confidence if he’d grown up in the 30th century where life was simple and brains flew through space and everyone ate lasers? I’d like to think so.  Or maybe he just would have ended up somewhere in the middle like Lars Fillmore.  But it doesn’t matter. I love Fry. Any Fry: robot, time paradox clone, or just regular doofus. We’d probably have to get married 4 or 5 times before one of them slipped through without being retconned. 

The Professor, on the other hand, was always destined to be a crotchety old man. And, since he managed to escape being sunsetted when he hit the maximum age limit he’d probably live forever in his brilliant feebleness.  Unless I killed him.  

To fuck or not to fuck, that is the question:  
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to fuck 
for power and advantage 
or to take the young hottie 
and, by fucking her, indulge passion? To fuck, to sleep, 
no more; and by sleep to say we end
this one-night stand, and the thousand what-if questions 
that the heart is heir to: ‘tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to sneak out in the night - ay, there’s the rub:
For in that post coital sleep what dreams may come, 
When we have fucked our brains from our heads
Must give us pause - there’s the fear
That makes calamity of so long relationships.
For who could bear the whips and scorns of Mom,
The oppressive lash of her tongue, or
The pangs of ditzy Amy, her brain’s delay,
The indolence toward courtship, and the spurns
That patient merit a second date, I unworthy forsake
When I myself might quietus make
Out the door? Who would blame me,
To grunt and sweat under a weary romance,
But that the dread of something after sex,
That undiscovered country betwixt sheets and moon
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes me rather bear the pillow talk
Than fly to Leela who always seems to be in a mood.
Thus lust does make cowards of us all,
And thus the blinding hue of passion
Look sicklied o’er with a pale sheen of sweat,
And enterprise white lies of seduction,
Though this regard seems to turn girls off,
And I can’t get any action. Soft you now,
The fair Amy! Nymph in thy sweat pants. 
Be all my sins indulged.

(Fuck Amy, Marry Leela, Kill Mom)

I’m not going to make the same mistake Anders did.  You can never hope to tie down Starbuck, she’ll fight against any restraint. Riding her in bed would be like taking a turn on a bucking bronco, it’d be hard and fast and she’d kick you out so quick your head would spin and your ass would hurt.  But you know you’d go back again if you ever got the chance.  

Aeryn Sun, you are probably one of my favorite characters ever.  Growing up in a cold society with an even colder family, emotion never really was in your wheelhouse. But John Crichton wormed his way into your heart and, inch by inch, you opened up and let your hair down. I know once all your barriers are finally broken down you’d be an amazing life partner.  

Zoe, I know you’re at a disadvantage coming from a comedy series rather than something more dramatic.  And I only got to see you for 13 episodes.  I’ll admit these are unfair disadvantages.  But Fuck/Marry/Kill demands a sacrifice.  I know you won’t go down without a fight.  But you are going down.  

Rygel, I’m sorry. You’re a great, fun character but you’re irritating as all hell. And, I hate to discriminate, but you’re not even humanoid. A girl has to have standards and, while they may be low, “somewhat shaped like a person” is my baseline certainly for fucking and usually for marrying. Die. 

Sensitive but strong aliens. Do I have a type? Ka D’Argo is the prototypical warrior with a heart of gold. And having married a human previously I know I’m certainly in his league. Hopefully he’s up for a second wife after the heartbreak of losing his first. (Call me!)

So I guess I have to fuck Scorpius? Doesn’t seem right him being the bad guy and all but I guess I can see it. He’s got a certain intensity about him that would make him at least interesting to fuck, but he has enough self loathing that I don’t think there’s be a lot of emotional transference.  But being evil he’d probably want to kill me afterwards or have some sort of Stockholm syndrome wedding but as long as we get really drunk beforehand I can sneak out while he sleeps it off.

FWIW, all of Farscape is available on Netflix streaming. 

Kill Simon, Fuck Wash, Marry Mal? Is that what you’re thinking? Yeah it makes sense, finally get that perfect Mal/Inara type of happy ending. But I’m not so sure.

I don’t want to be the digital equivalent of the girl who chasses the guy just because he has a ring on his finger. But hey, if Zoe wants to nail Wash down must mean he’s at least good enough to nail, right? Maybe but I’d have to jump him pretty quick before Joss killed him.  In which case, I should really just do the deed myself. Quiet in his sleep, dignified. Or in a blaze of glory like a big damn hero. Not some random beam. Yeesh.

Mal is a ramblin man, that’s just who he is. Marrying him or even being in a relationship with him would tie him down too much. He’s a rolling stone that can’t be allowed to gather moss or he’d lose everything that it means to be him. You can love him but you gotta leave him. Fuck him and then dump him stranded naked in the desert. Do what you gotta do.

Marrying Simon with only what we’ve seen in Firefly would be a leap of faith, sure, but you have to remember the pressure he’s under during the series. Stealing his sister away from the government and having to work constantly to keep them from hurting her and to keep her from hurting herself? That’s a lot of stress. So how would he be outside of that pressure cooker? Probably pretty great. Rich, smart, determined, and a doctor dontchaknow. We could live in a system just outside the central planets, away from the prying eyes of the Alliance but not quite in the wild frontier. The two of us (and River makes three) could have a real nice life together.

FWIW, all of Firefly is on Netflix streaming.